Module 7b: Anguish
The edge and end of intensity. | Module 7 - Aerobic Capacity and Anguish | Somatic Essay
If you asked me for the simplest definition of aerobic capacity, I would say “pain.” However, while the language and experience of suffering are universal, it is never as simple as a single word.
It is an experience that often escapes all expression. We may similarly ask ourselves, what is intensity? Where or when does it end? To accurately answer those questions we must be willing to give everything and accept that it still may not be enough.
When we talked about the decision to endure, we talked about the transition to love, where we must decide “what to do when I cannot summon the hatred to take another step.” In the anaerobic capacity (valor) module we talked about noble defiance and the heat of battle where we often cling too tightly to an identity built on power (anger).
If we carry that transition one step further we have entered the experiential territory of aerobic capacity and it’s anguish. It is the harshest of teachers, and there can be no other way. It will always hurt to find the edge.
We’ve mentioned before that terminology (like “conditioning”, “cardio”, “metabolic conditioning”, etc.) is extremely distracting, but somatic experiences never lie. They can be mislead and misinterpreted, but they always come from somewhere and always tell us something if we’re willing to listen.
There is a great moment in the movie Point Break where Patrick Swayze tells Keanu Reeves;
“You still haven’t figured out what riding waves is all about have you? It’s that place where you lose yourself to find yourself.”
Or, if you’d like heavier variety, there’s the Mudvayne lyric;
Tear meat from the bone.
Tear me from my myself.
Are you feeling happy now?
Like a lot of folks I worshiped at that altar of intensity too often, and for far too long. I found new idols to simp over throughout the years, raised my standards and expectations, worked harder and harder; but did I get more fit? Did I learn anything at all?
One of many paradoxes here is that sometimes it pays to be naive, to have the wild zeal to throw yourself at something and see what happens. Given a sufficient investment of effort we will be granted an unyielding and unadulterated peek behind the curtain. The catch is that we can never go back to not knowing thereafter.
To truly give everything and not have enough is a terrible weight to carry. How will you know if you will ever be ready to try again? Will you be able to dig deep enough? Will it be worth it to not return?
There aren’t “right” answers to these questions. There are certainly “wrong” ways to go about answering them. There just as certainly isn’t “balance” as if we can achieve some kind of equilibrium and then perpetually remain there. There are choice and there are consequences.