Savage / Zen Newsletter No. 93
“Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.”
~ Marcus Aurelius
Far more people want change than they want to change. This is the root of “entitlement.” We’re approaching a holiday that’s supposed to embody our gratitude. Then, we proceed to trample people to death for cheap TVs the following day.
Artists are much more reliable historians than actual keepers of record. I listened to a comedian recently talk about “running into the deep end of the pool, knowing full well you can’t swim, but you decided you didn’t want to wear your floaty wings and made your problem everyone else’s problem.”
They continued:
“As a result, you have to hold someone else underwater (the lifeguard) while you pretend you have your shit together.”
In the most unflinching perspective of the world, your triggers are your responsibility. No, you’re not necessarily to blame for all of the adverse events in your life, but neither are most of the people you encounter day-to-day.
It’s not the world’s responsibility to walk on eggshells around you; any more than feeling offended inherently makes you “right.”
With that said, you don’t have to walk alone, but you do have to walk.
The modern world seems to reward the type of vindictiveness and entitlement of the aforementioned “toddler without floaty wings.” It’s encouraged to be critical, even spiteful, of others while touting branded labels of “diversity, equality, inclusion, etc.”
The term “helicopter parent” is used to describe one’s persistent surveillance of their children. Unfortunately, these folks have been superseded by the much worse “snow plow parents.” These are the parents that seek to remove all risk and all chance of failure from their children’s lives.
Perhaps such “snow-plowing” prevents the aforementioned child from drowning, but it also prevents them from ever learning to swim. It also, quite likely, teaches them to be afraid of the pool.
Despite my day job, I try to not psychoanalyze the world… too much. However, there seems to be a cultural shift that makes the above analogy more than just hypothetical.
Admittedly, I spend too much time online. But, it’s also my job to talk to people. I’ve noticed terms like “narcissism” being thrown around extremely frequently, and not always entirely accurately.
Curiously, I wonder about a chicken-and-egg paradox. Is the world “too sensitive and dependent” (i.e. a problem of perception), or are there really more self-absorbed offenders in the world? Truthfully, the answer is probably both.
I don’t want to present an “Attachment Theory 101” course here, and certainly not a definitive guide to personality disorders, but our relationship to (or the absence of) other people has an inextricable impact on our lives.
This is essentially what is meant by “attachment style” — how we relate to others and view ourselves in that relationship.
“Dismissive attachments” are characterized by high avoidance and low anxiety, often having a positive view of self and a negative view of others. Characteristically this is where anti-social, narcissistic, and avoidant personality traits appear; when one is “strict with themselves and intolerant of others.”
“Fearful attachments” are denoted by traits of high relationship anxiety and high relationship avoidance. You might see obsessive-compulsive, paranoid, or other pseudo/psychotic personality traits here as there tends to be both a negative view of others and self. Using alternative terminology, these people may be intolerant of others and disorganized with themselves.
Then we have the “preoccupied” quadrant, characterized by high anxiety and hypo-avoidance. Oftentimes there is a negative view of self and a positive (pedestal) view of others in this quadrant. This is characteristic of borderline, histrionic, and dependent personalities.
It is critically important to note that the “disorders”, characteristics, and traits mentioned above occur on a spectrum (of dys/function).
The more we become tolerant of others (without being dismissive or demeaning towards ourselves) and the more we can become strict (but not rigid, dishonest, or isolated) with ourselves, the more “secure” our attachments become. That’s a fancy way of saying our relationships and communities dramatically improve in the absence of entitlement.
It’s not surprising then that change always begins as an inside job, then extends outward. It’s amazing how much can be accomplished by a ground-up initiative rather than one that is idolized and force-fed from the top down.
Ground-up change ensures we aren’t simply letting problems trickle down unchecked from the top.
What I’ve Been Watching & Reading:
The holiday’s and work trainings have kept me from being able to carry out a proper 6-week training program for the rest of the year. Nevertheless, I’m re-reading NonProphet’s Capacity Manual.
Among many pointed sentences, I’m reminded that:
“To give everything and not pass (test), reveals certain truths but rarely motivates one to continue. Passing without effort reveals nothing, yet produces a similar outcome.”
What’s New:
The new hub for premium subscriber content will be the Substack chat section. Recently, I announced that premium subscribers will be able to download all of my training programs as they were performed. In case you don’t want to wait 2-3 months for programs to be released in their entirety, there will be a “weekly workouts” post in the premium chat.
This replaces the former “training log” posts; but still allows a venue for people to post feedback and their session results without cluttering the main article feed.
By the time this newsletter releases, there should be some extra goodies in there to get things started (like breathwork and jiu jitsu clips).